Wine descriptors

Don't you just lurve those quirky descriptions that wine makers and columnists come up with. Borrowing from the classic everyman line, I don't know wine, but I know what I like - and it was probably none of these!

Touches of earth and chocolate = like the Yarra in flood
Hints of musk and iced Vo-Vos = whiffy, like Uncle Fred’s sweaty shirts at afternoon tea
Lingering hints of cold salami = odour of last night’s leftover pizza
Bursting with limes & lemons with firm acidity = tangy, tarty, lip puckering
Finely balanced with bracing acidity = bloody sour, lip-licking, recommend Alka-Seltzer chaser
Fullsome acidity = takes the breath away, capsicum spray
Lingering intensity = even mouthwash won’t get rid of the taste
Languishes on tongue, mostly minerally = like bore water
Toasty and lemon butter notes = a brunch tipple
With tropical hints = a mix of green ants, mango and burnt cane
With tropical notes = rainforest litter and Cassowary droppings
Floral notes = gay boys’ tipple
Herbal notes = bark mulch undertones, composty aftertaste
Spice notes = cooking wine
Juicy lime, passionfruit, tropical, spicy and herbal notes = I vomited
Superb balance and length = mid-range price, available only in 1.5 litre bottles
Steely, austere = like rusty water
A hint of Christmas cake = dark, thick, very fruity
Oodles of strawberry and other red berry flavours = it’s cordial, save your money
Yeasty notes = causes reflux
Core of choc-cherry = tastes like a candy bar
Give it time to open out = smells like shite when cork pulled, but persist: decant & leave a day
Like a fresh spring morning in a lime orchard = Passion Pop, girly drop
Fantastic wine with promising future = nice … but overpriced; wait until it hits the bargain bins
Great value = comes in four-litre cardboard casks
A high production cult wine = take to barbeque, put in Esky, drink someone else’s better drop
Everything neatly tied up by refreshing acidity = drink now before it goes off